Not lonely anymore dating
When you’re single AF, your feeling toward that very fact is like Donald Trump’s net worth — it changes depending on mood. “single and loving it” or “single and bawling my eyes out every night.” People don’t work that way. There are going to be days when you’re super busy and invested in your life that you just can’t deal with another person in the picture.
Then, there are going to be days when something really great or something really not-so great happens and you just want to share it with a special someone. Just because you’re single and not dating, it doesn’t mean you have to be typecast into being either/or.
I’ve dressed it up in pretty pink girl power with a silver lining instead of gotten really, really REAL with you and with myself about my fears about being single and 39. But the reasons I often convince myself that I’m still single aren’t pretty. A toxic relationship in my late 20’s that left me questioning everything about myself took its toll. Another man I loved for ten long years sat in my apartment not so long ago and looked me in the eye and basically told me in no uncertain terms that I wasn’t lovable to him. That he had abruptly stopped being attracted to me, after almost a decade of intense, undeniable chemistry. I also have makeup, lots of makeup, and I’m working on the self-love stuff every day.
Where the truth comes out and it’s not the slightest bit pretty, or inspirational, or even positive. It’s also a truth I have kept to myself because of its ugliness. Convinced the person telling me that HAD to be mistaken. If I choose to let in the darkness and the sadness and the REALNESS…won’t I sink in it? I think I’m starting to come to a better understanding of why…but for the moment, it’s still just shadowed and blurry truth that I’m struggling to make sense of. A few years ago I felt like I could simply walk into a room and command the attention of the men in the room. I suspect it was more an internal change than an external one, as I honestly think I physically look better now than I did ten years ago.
I’m not going to immediately turn him into the one that got away before things got interesting. There’s no doubt about it, dating can be expensive.
I met a few guys, hooked up with a few more, all in an effort to “see where it goes” but it kind of became exhausting. If you’re the same way, there’s nothing wrong with that.
Day 11: In Chapter Eight of You Are Enough, I share all the reasons why I think I’m still single, the good…the bad…the ugly. I will hand them their share of the blame, but I’ll take my share, too. “You just need more makeup, a thigh gap, more self love! “You just need more faith,” the Christian world says judgmentally. Just not in the cards for me.) I want with every single fiber of my being to be one of those self-assured, confident, bold women of God who knows exactly who she is in Christ and walks in the freedom of knowing how loved she is, how precious she is, how validated she is. And that’s not to say we should walk around like Eeyore all the time, feeling sorry for ourselves and playing the victim of our lives. But neither should we walk around like Tigger all the time…springing when we feel like sighing. Not dodging it or covering it up or glossing over it to make it look prettier and more pleasing so you can prop it up in the corner and not have to deal with it.
Talk about all the reasons why you think you’re still single. I want to be that woman, but I’m not that woman yet. And that journey starts with this moment of honesty that will hopefully be followed by lots more moments of honesty as I stop frantically searching for the silver lining of every situation and instead just learn to embrace the ugliness, the doubt, the uncertainty, the fear…as all a part of the journey. I personally think it’s a lot braver to talk about our doubts and fears instead of acting like everything’s perfect. It lends itself to loneliness and self doubt and fear.
I mean, the entire thing can be a complete and total mindf*ck, and you’re not even technically “with” the person.
Just think of how things will be when you’re actually in a relationship.