Jokes dating one liners

“The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.” – Unknown 25. “I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper 46.

“Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.” – Unknown 26. In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson 47. “I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor 50.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Henny Youngman)My wife and I were happy for twenty years. (Rodney Dangerfield) A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. It wouldn't plane at high speed at all, and it was very sluggish in almost every manoeuvre, no matter how much power she applied.

(Bill Cosby)I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. (Rita Rudner)Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. After about an hour of trying to make it go, she walked over to the nearby marina. A thorough topside check revealed everything was in perfect working order.

“My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.” – Jimmy Carr 23.

“Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.” – Unknown 24.

Many of these funny one liners are from legendary comedians and others are from random or unknown people. w=786&resize=786,786&quality=95&strip=all&crop=1" data-large-file=" w=1140&resize=1140,1140&quality=95&strip=all&crop=1" class="alignnone size-full_bleed wp-image-888697" src=" w=1140&h=1140" alt="funny one liners" width="1140" height="1140" srcset=" the morning the day after I was married, the phone rang.' Reverse charges call from Jackie, 'said the operator.' Will you accept the charges?' I couldn't think of anyone that I knew who was called Jackie; so I said no and put down the 'phone. The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath the boat.

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